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Does every gay guy have anal sex?

Question: So I started hittin’ it with this dude I like and well after we spent some time with each other and I played video games at his house for like 4 nights in a row, we “got together.” We had anal sex, the kind where I was on the receiving end. My question is, should I have let him have anal sex on me? He said it was what everyone does. But I wasn’t sure I liked it so I dunno what to think.

Our Answer: We usually hear this question from younger guys, or guys who are quite new on the scene or newly out. Since none of us are taught a THING about gay sex in school, we tend to go by definitions circulated around the gossip mill and in the media about gay sex. We’ve gotten one or two emails or chatted online with dudes who have had manual (hand) and oral sex with lots of their friends but figure they aren’t gay or – as more than oneperson has said- “not gay…..yet!” since they haven’t had anal sex. Well, they may not be gay, sure, but you also don’t have to have anal sex to have gay sex.

Anal sex is great fun most of the time, but it’s definitely not a requirement. You don’t have to have anal sex any more than you have to do any other thing if you don’t want to. And if you are only doing it ‘cuz you think the other person won’t like you unless they get to fuck you, well that’s the wrong reason. When people who are unfamiliar with sex in general ask us questions they jump very quickly to the anal sex part, as if no matter what the first time they have sex with someone, they will have to “put out.” But that’s not the case! Many gay men don’t even have anal sex, EVER, and it is not a requirement for a complete experience. Don’t worry about having anal sex the first time you are having sex, unless it’s something you want to do, then by all means have fun and be safe. You can have all kinds of fun without it though.

How do I figure out if I’m a top or a bottom? Do I have to?

OK, guys, as many of you know there’s this stuff that happens on the internet, especially in private chats, where you are chatting with some random guy and about the 3rd line into your Instant Message he asks you if you are a top or a bottom. For people who are new to the scene, this may be a strange question. And, when its so early on so often in conversation online, one might think that that’s all there is to know about someone. Well, look, don’t spend too much time trying to figure out what you are: top bottom, or versatile. What a bunch of bullshit. Neither your genes, god, nor Sony have gone ahead and pre-programmed your asshole.

Some people associate whether they are more submissive or more dominant in sex with being a top or bottom. A top is said to be more dominant – making things happen – a more controlling player in the relationship (or at least when having sex.) A bottom is said to be more passive, allowing things to happen to him. But….. there are plenty of dominant dudes who are totally dominant when having sex who like to get fucked . And most dudes are just “whatever is going on at the time” and aren’t thinking too much about who is in charge. The, um, bottom line is this: There is nothing pre-set deciding whether you are a top or a bottom. I kinda wish we could all just remove the terms from our vocabulary altogether. It shouldn’t be a question asked within the first 30 lines of a good InstantMessage with a new person. Be free to call yourself what you want and decide what your tastes and preferences are, but don’t fret about deciding what those are. Having it figured out does not make you a more complete person.

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Todd’s Love Story

On a gray day in the gray city of Jackson, Michigan, we met up with Todd at the fountain in the middle of the local mall. As we sat on one of the benches, Todd told us a story of unrequited desire and long-distance love. Please enjoy:

TODD: I guess I knew I was gay as early as 7th grade. All the other guys around me were starting to notice the girls and I was starting to notice them. Just last year, my sophomore year, there was this guy named Blake in one of my classes. That was the first time I actually completely admitted to myself a full-blown crush. And, of course, once that happened I kinda went a bit overboard and came very close to stalking him. Needless to say, I’m not exactly his favorite person anymore.

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Sarah, Queen of the ‘Net

We arrived at the People’s Food Co-Op in Ann Arbor, Michigan, just as Sarah was finishing her lunch break. With only 20 minutes before she had to go back, we did a high-speed interview in the employee room of the Co-Op. At least we had a chance to finally meet Sarah, who’s been a good friend and immense help to YGA over the past few months by emailing us every time a link is broken or a picture doesn’t load. If only we could get her on the YGA payroll.. If only we had a YGA payroll!

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(not so) Straight from the D

We met up with Andre and his smiling friend Joye at the smokiest cafe in all of central Michigan on the campus of Michigan State in East Lansing. Andre’s a freshman at Michigan State and was anxious to talk about growing up in the center of Detroit (aka “The D”) as a young gay guy. Here’s our chat:

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Flint Diner Experience

Flint, Michigan. Infamous for its depression. An ugly symbol of the fallout of capitalism. And yet life goes on, here. At Coty’s Westside Diner, the waitress served us vanilla cokes and greasy hamburgers. It couldn’t have been any more truly American. We met up with Rachel, Greg, and Kyle and chatted about their lives at the turn of the millennium here in Michigan’s once-great industrial center. It was a conversation we’ll remember for a long time.

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Sebewaing, Home of the Brave

Braden’s story is tough to listen to.

We didn’t know what to expect when, on the morning of November 13th, we met Braden in the Food Court of the Bay City Mall in Bay City, Michigan. Braden’s mother had driven him down to Bay City from their small town of Sebewaing, which is up the “thumb” along the bay coast about a half hour away.

The Bay City Mall was not crowded at 9:00AM, and we sorta stood out, mostly because we were the only young people there but also because Braden was wearing gold beads and had a fabulous leopard-skin purse. All the jeans-wearing mountain men at a neighboring table looked at us curiously while we brought out the computer and started talking with Braden.

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Dinner at the Ponderosa

The drive from Port Huron, Michigan to the small town of Clare is dark and chock full of dead deer. We were so hungry and ready for dinner by the time we were driving on that highway, even the dead deer looked strangely appetizing.

Fortunately, we had Ponderosa waiting for us. Seeing as how this was the north woods of Michigan in hunting season, we’d expected to encounter deer. What we hadn’t expected to encounter was a huge crowd of gay boys meeting us for Ponderosa buffet. Sure, we knew we’d be meeting up with Nick and “a friend or two,” but somehow – probably out of our prejudiced minds – we didn’t actually think that a bunch of happy, well-adjusted gay dudes would be living regular lives up here in Clare. Guess it goes to show you that young gay people really are everywhere.

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Little Library That Could

Well the Pride Library of the University of Western Ontario is one of the most extensive collections of GLBT literature, history, and more in all of Canada. People come from all over the world to use it for research on gay and lesbian issues. We were lucky to get the chance to speak with Professor James Miller, who created the library. Here’s our chat:

YGA: This place is amazing, professor. Tell us a bit about it.

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Joel, from the Other London

Back in Seattle, when we were on the Jef St. De Lore Show, Joel called from his home in London to say how much YGA had helped him out. It really made our day and he’s been an awesome friend for a while so it was special for us to finally meet him in person as we passed thru London on our way to Michigan.

He gave us a quick tour of his school, the University of Western Ontario, drove us around London a bit, and even introduced us to Professor James Miller, whose Pride Library is a Canadian gay landmark (see next article.)

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Mom, Dad, I’m a gay?

At the Triple-X Diner on Queen Street West in Toronto, the diner used as the model for Queer as Folk’s breakfast joint, we sat waiting for Josh to arrive. Now if you’ve ever tried to meet someone you’ve never seen a picture of, you know what it’s like when every person who makes eye contact with you could be the person you’re trying to meet up with. About twenty-five people looked our way thru the windows and somehow Mikey got saddled with walking up to each one of them people and saying, “hey…um…are you Josh?” Finally, #26 said yes.

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